


030 "baby talk"

by wheel_pen



Series: Iron Man AU [30]
Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fish out of Water, My Pepper is different, Post-Iron Man, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-08 03:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheel_pen/pseuds/wheel_pen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that Tony and Pepper are married, Rae thinks they ought to have a baby, and she also thinks that watching her sister Mae’s birth video will somehow convince them. Tony thinks she’s taken leave of her senses. Besides which, Pepper’s reproductive parts weren’t designed to be functional. “I didn’t come here for the horror movie festival.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	030 "baby talk"

**Author's Note:**

> 1) My Pepper is very different from canon Pepper. Her personality/origin is very different; to separate her from canon Pepper I've given her a new last name and a different hair color.
> 
> 2) The bad words are censored. That's just how I do things.
> 
> 3) Stories are numbered in the order I wrote them, which isn't necessarily the order in which they occur. At some point I'll post a timeline.
> 
> I wrote this series after the first Iron Man movie came out. It's very AU but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. I own nothing and appreciate the chance to play with these characters.

            Pepper and I were in the car, heading to Rhodey’s house for an afternoon of fun and feasting—or rather, solace and sympathy for him, since Rae’s sister Mae, her husband, and their new baby had come to visit. Also hopefully there would be feasting.

            “Don’t forget, you had sex with Mae at Major and Mrs. Rhodes’s wedding,” Pepper reminded me.

            “Don’t tell me that kind of thing while I’m driving, Pepper,” I commanded after I had gotten the car back on track. “And it wasn’t _at_ the wedding, it was at the rehearsal dinner. And how did you know that, anyway?”

            “I overheard it mentioned once.”

            I glanced over at her as I sped through the streets. She was sitting impassively in the passenger seat as she usually did, although this time she was also clutching a plastic container on her lap. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking.

            “Are you gonna be… okay with that?” I finally asked her. “Or is that awkward for you?”

            “No, it’s fine,” she replied—flatly, but I had no reason to disbelieve it. “But it wold be awkward for _you_ if _you_ had forgotten.”

            “Because Rae hasn’t, I’m sure,” I agreed.

            “I’m sure Mae hasn’t, either,” Pepper added loyally. And yeah, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel about my wife assuring me I was so fantastic in bed, another woman I’d slept with couldn’t possibly forget me. But that was life with Pepper.

            Rhodey opened the gates in front of the driveway when we called and I pulled the car in past the handful of paparazzi lingering outside in anticipation of my appearance. It was a little sad that Rhodey had had to turn his home into a fortress just to get any privacy these days; but then again, it had been his own choice—his and Rae’s, of course, with the kids weighing in—to get involved in the Iron Man Project. If all these precautions had become necessary simply because they were my friends, I would’ve been really p----d off.

            Pepper and I were greeted warmly at the door. I _did_ love the warm welcomes at the Rhodes house. Even Pepper didn’t seem to mind _too_ much when her shoulders were squeezed in a friendly way.

            Things turned a touch frostier when it came to the introductions. “Tony, you remember my sister, Mae,” Rae remarked. “From our wedding.”

            “Of course. How have you been?” I asked pleasantly, reaching to shake hands.

            I was instead engulfed in a hug. “Of course I remember Tony!” Mae insisted enthusiastically. “D—n, look at you, you kept in _fine_ shape! Look at me now, I’m just an old married woman, fallin’ out everywhere!” She added this while straightening up a bra strap that had slipped during all the commotion.

            I smiled, fond of her all over again. Anyone who could bring that much volume and tackiness into Rae’s house and still claim blood relative status was someone I wanted to know. “I’m married, too!” I pointed out, dragging Pepper forward. “This is Pepper.”

            She thrust the plastic container at Mae as though hoping to ward her off. “I made food!”

            Rae stepped in. “Why thank you, Pepper, that was very nice.”

            “She’s becoming very domestic,” I told them proudly. “Last night we even talked about cooking a frozen pizza! We ended up ordering out, but, you know, every little bit helps.”

            “Uh-huh,” Mae agreed dubiously. “Hey, this is my _man_ and he’s Randy!” she laughed, pulling the stranger in the room over.

            “Hey there, Randy,” I greeted cheerfully, shaking his hand. The guy looked like the mousey type, no need to make him feel insecure because of a past, er, association (emphasis on the a-s).

            “Oh, you made cookies,” Rae was saying to Pepper, examining her contribution.

            Pepper nodded eagerly and snitched one for herself. “There would have been more,” she explained, “a _lot_ more, but Tony keeps eating them.”

            “They’re _good_ ,” I insisted, ducking around the crowd to grab another one. It was also a good excuse to get away from Mae, who had started poking at the arc reactor through my shirt while making comments about men who had batteries.

            “Tony! Good to see you, man!” Rhodey greeted, coming in from the deck.

            “Um, what kind of cookies are these?” Rae asked diplomatically, as she was unable to tell by nibbling on one.

            “They’re Pepper cookies!” answered Pepper brightly. She was quite pleased with her first baking experience.

            “Um, what’s in them?” Rhodey questioned dubiously, looking at the dark lumps in the container.

            “Everything,” she replied.

            “We also brought soda,” I added quickly. “Hey, hotshot, you unload it all from the car, I’ll let you take a spin around the block,” I told Mike, tossing my keys to him.

            “Cool! Thanks, Uncle Tony!”

            “Can I drive your car, to, Uncle Tony?” pleaded Ellie.

            “How old are you again?” I teased her.

            “Fifteen! I have my permit!”

            “Well, okay then. But you have to help unload the soda!” I had brought roughly a month’s supply, so they should both have a little work to do.

            We hung out for a little while as Rhodey warmed up the grill. Of course there was the infant to admire, underachieving though he was—I didn’t see how any child could hope to live up to the name Augustus Jackson-Mason. It was during this part of the visit that I began to suspect Rae had an ulterior motive in inviting me and Pepper to dinner today—specifically, when I heard her chatting Pepper up about babies.

            Sometimes I really wanted to strangle that woman. If Pepper and I were single, we should be together. If we were together, we should get married. If we were married, we should have a baby. Never mind that she didn’t necessarily seem to think I was actually _good_ for Pepper, and there was no way I believed Rae thought I would be a responsible parents. But that didn’t matter, of course. Gotta follow the path, you know.

            “Yeah, he’s pretty quiet right now,” Mae was saying as Pepper was forced to hold the child. “All he does is eat, poop, and sleep all day and all night. Some life, huh?”

            “Tony watches television, too,” Pepper replied, trying to relate. She looked like she was holding a loaf of bread in her arms—one on which she had just discovered mold.

            “Pepper, why don’t you hand the kid off to Ellie?” I suggested, seeing the teenage girl’s eager expression.

            “Oh, Ellie’s been _such_ a help to me, taking care of the baby,” Mae enthused. “She’s gonna be a real good mama!”

            “Hopefully not for a long time,” Rae added pointedly. G-d, this woman just wanted to control the reproductive plans of everyone around her.

            “And what about _you_ , honey?” Mae asked, with no hesitation, patting Pepper’s knew. “You look too skinny to have a bun in the oven, but I bet you and Tony have been bakin’ up something fierce!” She laughed gaily while her older sister gritted her teeth in the manner of one long accustomed to such outbursts.

            “Well, he _did_ help me with the cookies,” Pepper replied uncertainly.

            “Yeah, I contributed the nuts,” I deadpanned.

            Certain people laughed. Other people grimly steered the conversation towards less risqué topics, though unfortunately the subject of infants kept returning to haunt us. I guess I couldn’t blame little unfortunate Augustus. He was just chillin’, tryin’ to do his thing. The problem was with the adults who had to describe every moment of his life to everyone else—and when that life consisted mainly of, as advertised, eating, pooping, and sleeping, plus crying for added thrills, well, it was a pretty d—n boring conversation. Even Mae’s delightfully inappropriate remarks lost their zest.

            “How long’s she been here?” I whispered to Rhodey.

            “Two weeks,” he replied through a fake smile. “The calendar says it’s only been two days, but I don’t believe it.”

            Now Mae was talking in graphic detail about Augustus’s birth. It was funny but also kind of gross, which normally didn’t bother me, but in this case it was _way_ too much information about someone I had no interest in seeing naked (again). And there were minors present. And also Pepper. It was just ooky. Even Randy looked uncomfortable.

            “But, seriously, it was like the greatest spiritual experience of my life,” Mae judged. “Every time I watch the video I just cry and cry, it’s so beautiful!”

            I choked on my drink. “You have a _video_ of it?”

            “Oh yes,” Mae assured me. “We brought it with us to show you all!” I froze, my face no doubt in an expression of horror.

            “Jim and I watched it the other day,” Rae told us, and I looked over at Rhodey in alarm. He smiled distantly and patted my shoulder, as if wishing me good luck on a suicide mission. “I think it would be very interesting for you, Pepper. And you, too, Tony.”

            “Randy was just so sweet and supportive,” Mae cooed, petting her husband with a familiarity usually reserved for smoky dance clubs. “It would be very instructive for you, Tony, when the time comes!”

            This was really just about the limit for me. Pepper and I had come over expecting a good meal and some nice conversation with our friends, and instead we were being ambushed and forced to listen to procreation evangelists? Rhodey was going to have some _serious_ explaining to do about the duties of friendship.

            Mae popped out of her deck chair. “So come on, folks, let’s get this show on the road! It is _so_ amazing, you will just _die_!”

            Rae moved to follow her, as did Ellie when signaled by her mother. “Jim, honey?” Rae prompted.

            “I’ve seen it,” he answered quickly.

            “Me, too,” added Randy.

            Mike, smart lad that he was, had made himself scarce as soon as the subject came up. Which only left two people. “Pepper?” invited Rae.

            “Hmm, I’ve never witnessed the final step in human reproduction,” Pepper speculated. “It might provide valuable insight.”

            “Oh, it’s in-sightful, that’s for sure!” laughed Mae. “I got a bikini wax two days before so I’d be camera-ready!”

            “Tony, are you going to join us?” asked Rae pointedly.

            “Good G-d, no,” I shot back firmly. “I didn’t come here for the horror movie festival.”

            “Aw, come on, Tony,” Mae coaxed. “Think of it as seeing an old friend again!”

            Wow, no need to worry about the elephant in the room with Mae, was there? I was almost beginning to feel sorry for Rae—surely this woman was even worse than _me_.

            “Well,” I hesitated, “okay. But only if we can watch the conception video first. I don’t like to see my movie series out of order.”

            That got me kicked out of the viewing party, finally. The womenfolk trooped off with great superiority and sensitivity, leaving use cavemen to grunt around our firepit. And since we _were_ uncouth Neanderthals… “Rhodey, man, what the f—k are you up to?” I asked him severely. “You could have at least _warned_ me!”

            “It was funnier not to,” he confessed, laughing. I failed to see the humor. “Besides, I knew you’d get out of it.”

            “And how the h—l is watching a frickin’ _birth video_ supposed to make me _want_ to have a baby?” I went on, ranting. “J---s, I’d call it one of the more effective forms of birth control… Um, no offense, Randy, I’m sure it was cool for you.”

            “Actually it was kind of loud and terrifying,” he confessed nervously.

            “Yeah, that must describe a lot of your life,” I decided.

            Mike stuck his head cautiously around the side of the house. “Are they gone?”

            “They’re gone, you little weasel,” I assured him. “The backyard is safe for testosterone again.”

            “I should probably _make_ you go watch it,” Rhodey told the teenager warningly. “So you don’t get any _ideas_.”

            I smirked but said nothing—the rule had been firmly established that I was absolutely not, under any circumstances, allowed to give Mike advice about girls. It seemed a little unfair that he wouldn’t benefit from my years of accumulated wisdom, but whatever, that’s what his parents wanted.

            “Seriously, man, I can’t believe your wife actually thinks it would be a good idea for me and Pepper to have a kid,” I said, shaking my head.

            “Oh, here I thought you’d be all for it,” Rhodey teased, “producing a clan of geniuses to take over the world or something.”

            I hadn’t thought about it that way. “Hmm, you make a good point,” I mused. “They could have my brains and Pepper’s looks, and nations would tremble before them.” Rhodey rolled his eyes. “On the other hand,” I added less enthusiastically, “they might get _Pepper’s_ brains and my looks, in which case they’d still be fantastically attractive but we’d have to have them quietly homeschooled.”

            “Tony!” Rhodey chided.

            “Well, it’s true,” I insisted. “The mainstream world isn’t ready for the spawn of me and Pepper.”

            Just wanted to assure you here that we didn’t spend the _entire_ time the ladies were gone talking about kids—we hit topics like sports, cars, politics, that kind of thing. I’m just recording the interesting bits, which usually involve _me_.

            “D—n, how long is this thing?” I complained after a while.

            “It’s only an hour,” Rhodey replied unsympathetically. “You can live without Pepper for that long.”

            I glared at him, unwilling to admit that I was, in fact, missing her. “An _hour_? What is it, the director’s cut?”

            “Actually the original tape was seven and a half hours,” Randy revealed grimly. “My sister filmed _everything_.”

            “Be glad this is only the highlight reel,” Rhodey added.

            I shuddered. “Dude, you need a better video editor,” I informed Randy. “Now, if _I_ had occasion to film something like this—“

            “And, knowing you, you _would_ film it, with the cameras held by several of your robots,” Rhodey interjected.

            I ignored that, although it seemed accurate. “—I would cut it down to about three and a half, four minutes and set it to an awesome rock song.” I was warming up to the idea now, even as the others scoffed. “What should my kid’s theme song be? ‘Hellraiser,’ maybe.”

            “’American Idiot’,” submitted Rhodey.

            “How about the _Superman_ movie theme?” suggested Mike more charitably.

            “Well, I don’t know if I’d want my kid to follow in the family tradition of saving the human race,” I told them grandly. “It’s d—n hard work.” Inspiration struck. “Ooh, if I had two boys, I could use ‘Princes of the Universe.’ G-d, that would almost be worth having kids for, it would be so awesome!”

            “And that seems to sum up why you shouldn’t have them,” Rhodey pointed out, rolling his eyes.

            The conversation moved on. And yet, somehow it seemed to keep coming back around to the same topic. Hmm, maybe I _couldn’t_ entirely blame the overzealous mothers for the paucity of subjects discussed. Nonetheless, it was certainly a lot less dull when you could talk freely, instead of trying to smile through someone’s story about a poop-filled diaper gone awry.

            “—I don’t know, it would’ve been nice to have a tape of Mike’s birth,” Rhodey was saying. “Since I missed it!”

            “Well, I’m sure it was just like Ellie’s,” I told him. “Besides, you were on the phone. You heard the whole thing.”

            “Yes, that’s almost just like being there,” Rhodey replied sarcastically. “Mostly what I heard was _you_ swearing.”

            “Well, your wife was crushing my hand!”

            “And you being a wisea-s,” he added.

            “Well, I was a little drunk.”

            “You were?!” Mike commented in surprise. Guess he’d never heard the unexpurgated version before. “I thought Mom said she was at school first!”

            “I’d been up all night,” I explained, “having a little party. For some reason. I wasn’t expecting to get an emergency phone call, you know!” Mike looked interested in hearing the story again and Rhodey didn’t look like he was going to object, so I continued. “So of course we immediately rushed to the hospital—“

            “Wait a minute, ‘ _we’_?” Rhodey interrupted, giving me a hard look.

            I squirmed slightly. This was, after all, over seventeen years ago—I had forgotten what he knew and didn’t know. “Er, yes, me and the person I was with.”

            “Aunt Pepper?” asked Mike in confusion.

            “No, this was pre-Pepper,” I replied.

            “So who exactly _were_ you with?” insisted Rhodey.

            “Um… Melanie.”

            “Good G-d, Tony!”

            “Well, I’d already paid her for the whole day,” I pointed out defensively. “I wasn’t going to send her home right in the middle of it!”

            Mike’s eyes goggled. “Wait, was she a _prostitute_?” Randy seemed impressed.

            “Well, yes,” I agreed. “But not some random prostitute, I had known her for years.”

            “Tony!”

            “She’s actually very nice,” I continued to Mike, unsure how this news would make him feel. “Pepper and I went to her wedding a few years ago.” Rhodey was shaking his head and muttering as he messed with the grill.

            “Was she actually in the _room_?” Mike questioned. He seemed intrigued.

            “She d—n well _wasn’t_ ,” his father answered.

            “No, she wasn’t, of course,” I agreed. Rae would not have stood for _that_. “She waited out in the lobby.”

            “Wasn’t it, like, hours?” Mike persisted. “You just made her wait the whole time?”

            “I told you, I’d already paid her for her time, and besides, she’s nice,” I repeated. “In fact, she made fifty bucks while she was waiting and bought you that blue teddy bear you used to carry everywhere.”

            Mike went a little pale. So did Rhodey, for that matter. “Pokey?” Mike sounded slightly horrified. “She bought me _Pokey_?”

            “Always thought the name was oddly appropriate,” I cracked.

            “You are so full of s—t, Tony,” Rhodey said optimistically.

            “Sorry, man, not this time,” I grinned. “Well, now that I’ve finished soiling your childhood memories…” I thumped Mike’s shoulders in an affectionate manner. “Oh, cheer up. You got a brilliant billionaire and a happy hooker—it’s no three wise men, but it was the best I could do on short notice.”

            After what seemed an interminable period of time, the ladies finally reappeared. Pepper looked thoughtful—which could be either good or bad—Mae and Rae slightly tense, and Ellie a little green. “Finally!” I exclaimed. “Can we eat now? What’s for dinner? A nice chewy chili? How about some rare roast beef? Goulash would be fantastic—“ Ellie clapped her hand over her mouth and skittered back into the house.

            Something seemed to be up, as Rae didn’t even chide me for that but rather marched straight over to Rhodey. The last thing I heard from that side of the deck, before I pulled Pepper aside, was Mike tattling about where Pokey had come from. Some people.

            “So how was it?” I asked Pepper. “It didn’t trigger some kind of nesting program, did it?”

            “No,” she assured me. “It was very messy. And chaotic.” Two things Pepper is definitely not in favor of.

            “Well, it’s all downhill from there with babies,” I pointed out. “At least if they’re still inside, cooking, you don’t have to feed them or change their diapers.”

            She wrinkled her nose. “Augustus became very stinky and started crying. It was unsettling.”

            I grinned suddenly. “I dunno, Pep. Maybe our kid would be so fantastic, his s—t wouldn’t stink.”

            “No,” she judged seriously, “it would stink worst of all, because your child would have to be the best at everything.”

            I laughed and took her hand. “Good point. So what was with the weird vibes people were giving off when you guys came back?”

            Pepper frowned. “Well, after the movie was over, we had a discussion about human reproduction as it pertained to our lives.”

            By now I was adept at translating Pepper-speak. “Oh my G-d, you, Rae, and Mae talked about your sex lives? That’s awesome! Come on, you can tell me—we do it like ten times more than they do, right? I won’t let on that I know.”

            “We didn’t discuss _that_ aspect,” Pepper corrected, much to my disappointment. “Mostly we talked about the mechanics of either allowing or preventing the fertilization of an egg.”

            “D—n,” I commented. “Sounds like Ellie got the most graphic version of The Talk _ever_. I’ll have to buy her a nice stuffed animal to make up for it.”

            “And _then_ ,” Pepper went on, getting marginally worked up, “Mrs. Rhodes said some insulting things about you!”

            “Well that’s nothing new,” I shrugged. “Regarding what?”

            “Apparently, people who don’t want to reproduce are supposed to use condoms and pills and other devices whenever they have sexual intercourse,” Pepper informed me. “And Mrs. Rhodes was quite shocked when she found out we didn’t! She said you—“

            I could well imagine what she’d said. “You told Rae we don’t use birth control?” I groaned. “But that’s because your parts weren’t designed to be functional! It’s not a problem for us.”

            “I _know_ ,” she insisted. “That’s what I told them, that my reproductive system didn’t function.”

            Wow, _awkward_ , especially when you’re trying to convince someone to get knocked up. “Please, _please_ tell me you burst into tears after you said this and ran from the room!” I begged, feeling triumphant. That would teach Rae to stick her nose in where it really, _really_ didn’t belong.

            “I did not,” Pepper replied. “But the statement did seem to bring the discussion to a close. Do you think we’ll have dinner soon?”

            I glanced towards the grill and saw Rae glancing back at _me_ , an expectant expression on her face. “Go pester Rhodey about dinner,” I instructed Pepper. “Ask him if you can turn some of the knobs on the grill.”

            “Okay.” She bounced off and Rae immediately scuttled over. I was not entirely successful at hiding my smirk.

            “You are such an a-s,” she opened, making sure no one else was in earshot.

            “I don’t know, Rae,” I snickered. “You’re the one trying to convince an infertile woman to get pregnant.” I _had_ to rub it in, just a little.

            She had the grace to look embarrassed, at least. But she still managed to turn it around on me. “Why didn’t you _tell_ us you and Pepper were having fertility issues?!”

            And people say _I’m_ entitled. “First of all, I’m a man of dangerous virility,” I corrected her. “It’s _Pepper_ who has the clogged plumbing. Second, it’s not an _issue_ if you don’t want to have kids! It simplifies things considerably.” Rae rolled her eyes at this point. “Besides, you’d just find something else to harp on us about, like getting a dog or becoming cheese connoisseurs or something.”

            “Well if you had _told_ me, I wouldn’t have made her watch the video!” she pointed out. “Or sent her all those articles about pregnancy. Or loaned her _What to Expect When You’re Expecting_.” I decided _not_ to mention how I’d freaked out when I saw _that_ lying around the house.

            “Well, it wasn’t really my place to say, was it? I mean, if Pepper wasn’t offended—“

            “Did she seem offended just now?” Rae asked worriedly.

            “I think she was more offended when you called me _stupid_ for not using condoms,” I pointed out. “And so am I, for that matter—I have _extensive_ experience in the field of contraception, as shown by all those paternity tests I’ve failed—“

            “I didn’t say ‘stupid’,” Rae countered. “Not exactly, anyway.” She kept looking over at Pepper hovering around the grill, as though worried she was just waiting for Rhodey to turn his back so she could immolate herself in despair. Well, that would never happen, because Rhodey never left the grill unattended. And Pepper was fireproof anyway.

            “Well maybe that will teach you to quit bugging us about stuff,” I told her. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but Rae had that thoughtful look on her face again that I didn’t like very much. “Besides,” I said, trying to regain her attention, “you know I’d make a lousy father!”

            “Oh, you’d be a wonderful father, Tony,” Rae tossed off, clearly plotting anew.

            I gaped at her. “No, I wouldn’t! I’m irresponsible, self-centered, immature—“

            “You’re loving, generous, intelligent, protective, loyal—“ she countered distractedly.

            “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Rae Rhodes?” I demanded, staring at her in shock.

            “It’s true you aren’t very sensible,” she continued, almost to herself, “but hopefully we can rely on Pepper for that.”

            “If Pepper’s supposed to be the sensible one here, G-d help us all!”

            Finally Rae looked back at me, a scarily determined expression on her face. “For an alleged egomaniac you’re rather hard on yourself,” she observed with some irritation.

            “I try to be honest.”

            “Another good quality.”

            I gave her a hard look. “Have you been drinking?” I had gotten asked that often enough, it was past time for me to turn it on others.

            “And, you’ve cut down on the drinking, which is very good,” Rae added. “Of course, your job is a little hazardous—“

            “I’m a frickin’ superhero! Of course it’s hazardous!”

            “But I still think you’d be an excellent candidate,” she decided.

            “For _what_?!”

            “Adoption, of course!” she replied brightly. “I’ll go mention it to Pepper.” I went off to find a wall I could bang my head against.

* * *


End file.
